Under The Sun
Funny quotes/stories from our campaign.
Fighting a bitch of a banshee
Antek: I have no problems raping a dead chick
Return: I bet she’s a real screamer
Antek picks up the Gavel of Pure Law; his entire arm glows golden and he instantly recalls every transgression: every lie, every broken promise, every law broken. Antek puts the gavel back, sits on the floor, and starts drinking some ale he retrieved from his pack.
Sweetlick: You know it’s bad when it drives a dwarf to drinking.
PCs are investigating the cabin of a dead farmer. The PCs find a scrap of parchment, which contains a ritual they can’t decipher. Meanwhile, the farmer’s corpse stumbles up to its feet.
Corpse: Swings at the paladin but misses.
Sweetlick (Cleric): Uh oh. I’ll try Turn Undead.
DM: Ok. Light fills the room, and the corpse splatters all over the west wall of the cabin.
Sweetlick (Cleric): Well I guess we know what that ritual was.
Upon entering a large cavern at the end of a kobold infested cave, the heroes discuss tactics for the battle that is sure to ensue.
Borodin: I say Donaar and Sweetlick head to the southern part of the cavern, Antek and I will take the northern part. Wytex, Selenus, and Saum stay here and cover the exit.
Sweetlick: Why do I get the feeling that this is the “divide” part of the kobolds’ “divide and conquer” plan?
After several missed swings with his weapon, Antek completely squashes a goblin in half with a single blow from his maul and a battle cry from his mouth. Sweetlick is so inspired by this incredible display of melee kickassery, he rushes to the nearest goblin and gives him an awesome and improbable knuckle sandwich straight to the face. The goblin is so surprised by the cleric that the fist actually lands for a whopping 4 damage. Meanwhile, Sweetlick’s trusty mace swings idly from his heroic belt.
The group meets the strange old elf known as Zuruta for the first time along the Garbury Road.
Zuruta: This is quite a group you have here. Are you all looking for trouble?
Sweetlick: We prefer to call it adventure.
After questioning the only surviving kobold of their latest battle, the group decides that the kobold is of no more use to them and is harmless enough to release.
Saum: You guys go ahead. I’ll release the kobold and catch up.
The group continues down the road leaving Saum and the kobold behind. Saum “releases” the kobold by kindly removing its head. As they walk, the group hears a faint gruesome gurgling sound behind them.
Sweetlick: Did you hear something?
During a fierce battle, a poor horse is trapped in a burning stable and attacked by stirges. Borodin makes it his personal mission to save the horse, doing everything in his power, including grappling stirges, withstanding vicious kicks from the frightened horse, and shouting for allies to heal the poor animal. After the battle, the horse is still frantic and refuses to calm down for Borodin. Sweetlick walks over and gently touches the animal, calming it and becoming the horse’s best friend.
Borodin (to the horse): What? That’s not fair! I’m the one who saved you!
While collecting grave lichen at the graveyard, the group notices the gravekeeper acting suspiciously. The adventurers finally decide something is not quite right when they stumble upon a necromancer (who is in cahoots with the gravekeeper) raising dead peasants in the graveyard. The adventurers notice that the necromancer is wearing the same type of mask that was on an evil scorpion trainer they defeated earlier.
Necromancer: Gravekeeper! Who are these people? I thought we agreed no visitors while I was here.
Sweetlick: Hello there, friend. Do you happen to know a scorpion trainer?
Necromancer: Oh, you mean Bob? Why yes. Wait a second. Are you the group that killed the hired help?
Sweetlick: Bluffs very poorly, but somehow manages to fool the necromancer. What? No, no, no. We’re friends with Bob! Trust me! He’s a great guy, that Bob!
Necromancer: I see, yes.
During this conversation, Saum uses the scorpion trainer’s mask to disguise himself as Bob, then steps into the necromancer’s view.
Saum: Hi, I’m Bob.
Necromancer: Bob, let’s talk.
The heroes are fending off a zombie siege against Winterhaven. Saum is looking for a way to pour fire over the battlement.
Saum: Do you have a large amount of alcohol, or…
Guard (exasperated): This is no time for drinking!
Perhaps the horse is not just any horse.
Bad Horse, the Thoroughbred of Sin: death whinny
Donaar: I don’t start fights. I finish them.
An enemy falls under the wheels of the dwarven beer-powered wagon. Sean: He’s not the first guy to get hit by the beer train.
Clint: He’s gonna save the pain. He’s not gonna bring it all right now. Capt. Ivan Drago considers his options.
Clint: I’m saving Chuck Norris for later. Dark hints from the DM.